So I have been doing a lot of reading about tension building in cycles in relationships and I am starting to see when the tension is building and doing my best to reduce, but so far everything is going well between us and we have done so much talking about all the crap that has been going on (and always goes on with your family) that we have had no opportunity to discuss anything relating to us and that has been quite refreshing.
On my working days, I am arriving home slightly later than you and this works for me because that makes more sense than me arriving home and you coming in 30 minutes after when you work 25 minutes away, and I work an hour away from where we live.
More edits have emerged about you and your family in the meantime. Your brother is tittering on the verge of insanity - as he is hacking into his intended's computer and MSN and messaging everyone, pretending to be her to check if she is loyal or no. He also sent her to a virginity doctor (I didn't even know they had such things) to get a certificate of virginity to prove that she is untouched. THen he flipped at her because she saw a male doctor.
I was shocked to the core when you felt sorry for him and defended his psycho actions and when you advised your sister to get involved and comfort the girl so that this marriage is back on when all I could think was "that poor girl" and the shit she will have to put up with.
Then, we discussed in detail how backwards and evil and traumatising it is to take a young girl and have her private bits examined for any reason except that she might have a disease. I knew they did it to your big sister, but then you shared with me that it happened to your younger sister last year when she kissed a guy.
I cried with sorrow and I feared for my future children's lives because I know that my father would kill any man who demanded such things from me whether I was wrong or right. That's love you see, that's being on my side like a family should be and not working against me like your f**kin family. My father would rip his legs off and feed them to him.
And then I reminded you how you too had asked me for a blood test, and wanted to see bank statements, and wanted to check this that and the other and I told you to go jump off a cliff because I don't want a paranoid freak in my life and I never shared that with my family because they would have hated you forever.
Anyway - you cried too and you said that you are not the same as them, and you don't have the same sentiments as them and you would never do that to your daughter and you shouldn't have told me and when you cried I said I know you are not like them, and I do know that because you married me and you knew that this was my second relationship and that I lived with a man for 6 years already and that we were going to get married. And when I say cry, what I mean is eyes full of tears and a quiet sorrow - not sobbing and bawling or anything like that - more sadness than anything else at the thought of your innocent and pious little sister being forced to undress and open her legs to be inspected by a stranger.
Thank God she was a virgin - otherwise I dread to think what would have happened to her.
And you said it was the backwards cultural mentality and that it was all about what other people think and I said I dont give a shit and I asked you not to give me explanations but just to promise me that my daughter will be defended by you even if she is wrong because that's your job as her father and she should never fear you and you should never degrade her and traumatise her like that and make her value equivalent to a hymen.
And you said of course that's the kind of father you would be, and I think you saw the worry in my face - asking myself whether or not I would have children who would be related to such a mess of a family and you could see it and you know that I fear this and you know I don't like this shit that you always promised me didn't exist.
Because you always told me that Islam means peace, and that the best of people are those who are the best of character and you recited many many beautiful verses to me about beautiful things and peace, and love and god and all of this.
And then after marriage you introduced me to this mess of a family and this destruction zone that you call home.
But I understand now why you didnt share all of these things with me - and I understand that you knew from the start that your family dont represent any of the ideals that you preached to me in any way, shape or form and naturally you would not wish to say anything bad about your mother, father, sister and brother. And so on some level, I understand why you did that and I am learning to forgive you.
There are, after all, many things about me that you have accepted and I will try to not make it an issue that everything I have to say came out on day one when I sat you down and told you everything you might have a hard time dealing with, and how you (on the other hand) waited until after marriage to tell me everything.
And I try to not be angry with you and see this as lying because you knew that we would live a life far from them and you knew that you wanted a different life to the life they want and you didnt want to be judged for their actions, or lose me because of their actions, or have me not marry you because of their actions - and on some level I really really get that and I forgive you because we are far from them, and you are different to them and you want different things from your life and you are more healthy in many ways then they are.
So anyway - things have been cool between us. We have been coming home and on the days that we both work, we both cook and we both clean and we both make the bed and we chat about our days and that's nice. And we chat, and we cuddle and we get on and that has all been really nice too.
And in two weeks time you will go to your country of origin for your brothers wedding and I am trying to keep the faith that you wont come back a different man like you usually do when you have spent extended amounts of time with your family...
And everything is quite good actually.
Elhamdulilah.
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