Good Weekend - But Can't Stop the Mad Feeling

So it was our anniversary. I got you a gift, you said it was too expensive and you were unhappy.

You ordered me flowers, we went to the theatre and to that place we first ever went to for dinner together and that was nice.

We watched a play in the boiling hot sun.

Last night, I couldn't sleep though - everything kept spinning around and around in my head with that mental feeling that I have been getting a lot these days and I just cannot rest my mind with these thoughts...that nothing about you is the truth. That nothing about US is the truth. That this whole thing is a lie that we keep conveniently ignoring.

We spent the day in nearly absolute silence. We do talk - but I notice that mostly I talk and you repeat back to me what I say. I have noticed the way your opinon changes with mine, so that you are just always agreeing with me.

I swallowed the feeling though - the feeling that everything you say and do is false and meaningless - like you are just trying to exist through every moment in complete and utter inauthenticity, just trying to keep me there for some reason or another.

So really: according everything that actually happened: everything is cool.

So I ignored the feeling and I tried to believe you. And I can recognise that all of these things I am saying are coming from me, and that actually - you were very nice for the whole weekend.

I'm just finding it hard to believe you thats all.

After you told me that you lied about this and that and the other...AGAIN...more lies again and again, I just kind of: lost you. I don't know who you are really. And that feeling makes me feel like I am losing all sense of reality.