Same Old Same Old

Wednesday

Everything was pretty normal. I have noticed that your affection levels chop and change: so if I am upset with you, you are all over me and if I am kind and loving toward you become distant. Thats OK though - that's just the way that it is.

I am also practicing in my own mind to stop taking you personality.

You left for work
I slept until 1.30
Prepared V's English Lesson
You came home around 7.15 (ish) - complaining of headache (same as every day), I was teaching V, who has just received his "PASS" from college,so we were all really happy about that!
I looked up paranoid personality disorder on Wikipedia to show you because at this moment in time your brother is convinced that his bride-to-be is cheating on him even though he has no evidence, and he had lied to her about his work status and financial status so that he doesn't have to give her money and he has asked your little sister to be a spy for him and report on her every move and we concluded that he is very very paranoid and it has been a subject of discussion so I thought you would be interested in it
V went home
I heated up the dinner
We had a chat about paranoia and you said you can recognise a lot of yourself in the description and then I said to you that you don't have paranoid personality disorder and that everyone gets a bit paranoid every now and then but your brothers level is unhealthy.  And we talked a little bit about his plans for his wedding and I recited to you some hadiths about faith and religion, and I told you some rulings about marriage because I am a volunteer Islamic marriage counsellor and I have a great deal of knowledge about this subject and so everything that your brother does can no longer be explained as piety or religion - but rather the actions of a paranoid individual who cannot see the light and lacks any kind of recognisable faith whatsoever.
We had the chicken dinner which I had cooked from last night -you offered to do the washing up and you washed my plate and your plate.
Then I washed the remaining washing up of the bowls, the pot, the pan, the cheese grater and the tray and wiped the surface, and you did say "honey let me do that" but I said "no its Ok" because if you intended to do it, you would have done it and I am washing it all now anyway
We sat and watched TV for a while and you remained physically distant from me, and quiet and you didn't look toward me at all - but because I am simply observing you I did not take anything emotional or meaningful from it, I just found it interesting so I didnt come close to you and just gave you your space.
Later we set up the bed in the living room
Went to sleep

In me,
Meanwhile, my good mood is growing and my sex drive has taken on a significant boost - whilst yours has totally disappeared. You are making excuses to not have sex, you are tired, you have a headache, I see the way you pretend to be asleep and so on, but then wake up a little later when sex is off the cards again.

Then again, this could be my interpretation. I didn't notice it before, because I never wanted to have sex before - but now that I do, I am noticing the change.

Asides from those observations, I am largely happy. You are worried about your job security - which I would take seriously, except that you are always worried about your job security even from before you even accepted the job and even before you applied. So its not that I am being insensitive, its that this is permanent state of mind that you have and I can recognise that now.

Thursday
We had a talk in the morning over tea - I commented on your unhappiness, and told you that you need some friends, or some escape place to relax because that place used to be me - but now, I cant relax you any more either - you said that maybe you need to go to the gym and that can be your relax place
You left at 8.15
I left at 8.30
I was very late to work because the Victoria Line got disrupted
You text me that you got a free latte and that you were happy, and I text you that I am having a nightmare day and have only just got to work.
Later, in the afternoon I called you and you were off on the phone and after we put the phone down you text me a lovely message that said "Sorry honey, its silent and I am surrounded by 5 people!" and I text that I just wanted to tell you I love you and you text back aww, you love me too and cant wait to give me a big kiss and a big cuddle when we get home.
You were home before me again, and you were stressed about work. That's ok - I am getting used to this now, you are stressed about work, or money, or your family, or something MOST of the time and it is rare for anything to bring you any kind of happiness, even for a fleeting moment.
You talked about the office, I talked about the office - I feel like we are having a sales meeting every day at the end of work - that's OK, it has been this way from Day 1 with you and I am accepting that.
I went to Sainsburys to get pasta immediately as I got of the station and I called you  and said "I'm leaving work now!" and you said "Ok" and I said "I'm only joking, I'm at the station" and explained I had called to ask if you want anything, you said Coke, and then you offered to come get me and I said that would be nice, and then it turned out you couldn't come and get me because I had the car keys in my bag. I asked you to boil water for pasta and then I remembered I was going to make spicy soup and rang you back and said don't bother boiling water because I just remembered I am going to make spicy soup
I came home with the pasta and the coke and fags
You bought me a chocolate from work and I cooked Thai Spicy Soup for us, you helped by squeezing the lemons for me as we talked in the kitchen and we decided that probably we would need pasta as well because soup never fills you up.
We ate soup and watched Friends, and Dragon's Den and you were doing something on your iPhone and we talked about how cool the iPhone was
The soup was too lemony for you - I told you to add fish sauce to combat the flavour and you said "maybe later" as you finished the bowl of soup and washed your bowl in the sink
Then we were talking and I was asking you a question about how much the new iPhone would be because a while ago you said the OLD phone would sell at £300 and you wanted to buy a new one, and I said so the new one must be very expensive if you buy an old one second hand for £300, that's expensive isnt it? and you nodded and said "no" at the same time and I stopped you and said: "you do know that you are nodding and saying no at the same time right?" and you said sorry my brain isn't working, and I said well what is it expensive or isn't it? And you said no, then yes, then no, then you forgot the question and I had to ask it again - is the new iPhone expensive? and you said yes, but second hand it shouldn't be more than £300 and then I said, but isn't that how much the old one is second hand? and you said yes. And I said, you want a new one? And you said yes? And I said - so it will be more expensive right? And then you said yes, probably but not second hand, second hand it would be around £300 and then I realised that this is not going to work and I dropped the conversation because we already started going around in circles.

Then I asked if you want pasta because I know the soup didn't fill you up and you said yes please, and I said there it is and pointed to the uncooked pasta and I said I already cooked and cleaned spicy soup - maybe you can make the pasta and so you made the pasta but it was uncooked and hard and we couldn't eat it, but I didn't mind so much because I had 3-4 bowls of spicy soup and I was quite full.

We talked about our business project and I thanked you for holding everything together and I said I appreciate the way you are holding our whole relationship together with the way that you are working and being nice and everything and you said, that actually I was holding everything together and then you got tears in your eyes and I said I will spend the time I have off from my part time job to make our business work and you said go for it and I said I will spend tomorrow doing exactly that.

After the you'd made the half cooked pasta and we couldn't eat it, you put it all in the bin and left all the washing in the sink and I didn't wash it because I have already cooked and washed everything once and I don't feel like doing it again. [But when I awoke this Friday morning - you'd washed everything and put it all away. ]

I had a bath and ate the chocolate and moisturised, you did Wudu and prayed and got into the bed we made up together, and fell asleep very quickly. You complained of being cold and I said maybe you should wash because when I am cold, if I have a bath I warm up and you said you had a bath yesterday and we left it at that - we cuddled so we could warm up and then I put on Gladiator and you fell asleep very quickly, and then I was falling asleep so I turned everything off, had a drink and came back to bed.

You kissed me again before you left in the morning, and like every morning there was a cold cup of tea waiting for me in the kitchen - the cup of tea you make for me along with yours every day.


Internally
I have stopped taking your misery personally and have accepted now that you are just a miserable person and I can't help you at all. I can see you going through the motions of life although you are not really there. I am trying to detach myself from you - in spite of all of the hard work I have done to actually be attached to you in the first place - but I have accepted now that I cant rescue you from your life at all, you are addicted to the misery and you are an embodiment of everything that you hate about the people you worked so hard to escape from.
The less I take responsibility for your behaviour the happier and stronger I feel and actually - and I have noticed in myself that I am feeling much much stronger, happier, hornier and more productive.