So I have been doing a lot of reading about tension building in cycles in relationships and I am starting to see when the tension is building and doing my best to reduce, but so far everything is going well between us and we have done so much talking about all the crap that has been going on (and always goes on with your family) that we have had no opportunity to discuss anything relating to us and that has been quite refreshing.
On my working days, I am arriving home slightly later than you and this works for me because that makes more sense than me arriving home and you coming in 30 minutes after when you work 25 minutes away, and I work an hour away from where we live.
More edits have emerged about you and your family in the meantime. Your brother is tittering on the verge of insanity - as he is hacking into his intended's computer and MSN and messaging everyone, pretending to be her to check if she is loyal or no. He also sent her to a virginity doctor (I didn't even know they had such things) to get a certificate of virginity to prove that she is untouched. THen he flipped at her because she saw a male doctor.
I was shocked to the core when you felt sorry for him and defended his psycho actions and when you advised your sister to get involved and comfort the girl so that this marriage is back on when all I could think was "that poor girl" and the shit she will have to put up with.
Then, we discussed in detail how backwards and evil and traumatising it is to take a young girl and have her private bits examined for any reason except that she might have a disease. I knew they did it to your big sister, but then you shared with me that it happened to your younger sister last year when she kissed a guy.
I cried with sorrow and I feared for my future children's lives because I know that my father would kill any man who demanded such things from me whether I was wrong or right. That's love you see, that's being on my side like a family should be and not working against me like your f**kin family. My father would rip his legs off and feed them to him.
And then I reminded you how you too had asked me for a blood test, and wanted to see bank statements, and wanted to check this that and the other and I told you to go jump off a cliff because I don't want a paranoid freak in my life and I never shared that with my family because they would have hated you forever.
Anyway - you cried too and you said that you are not the same as them, and you don't have the same sentiments as them and you would never do that to your daughter and you shouldn't have told me and when you cried I said I know you are not like them, and I do know that because you married me and you knew that this was my second relationship and that I lived with a man for 6 years already and that we were going to get married. And when I say cry, what I mean is eyes full of tears and a quiet sorrow - not sobbing and bawling or anything like that - more sadness than anything else at the thought of your innocent and pious little sister being forced to undress and open her legs to be inspected by a stranger.
Thank God she was a virgin - otherwise I dread to think what would have happened to her.
And you said it was the backwards cultural mentality and that it was all about what other people think and I said I dont give a shit and I asked you not to give me explanations but just to promise me that my daughter will be defended by you even if she is wrong because that's your job as her father and she should never fear you and you should never degrade her and traumatise her like that and make her value equivalent to a hymen.
And you said of course that's the kind of father you would be, and I think you saw the worry in my face - asking myself whether or not I would have children who would be related to such a mess of a family and you could see it and you know that I fear this and you know I don't like this shit that you always promised me didn't exist.
Because you always told me that Islam means peace, and that the best of people are those who are the best of character and you recited many many beautiful verses to me about beautiful things and peace, and love and god and all of this.
And then after marriage you introduced me to this mess of a family and this destruction zone that you call home.
But I understand now why you didnt share all of these things with me - and I understand that you knew from the start that your family dont represent any of the ideals that you preached to me in any way, shape or form and naturally you would not wish to say anything bad about your mother, father, sister and brother. And so on some level, I understand why you did that and I am learning to forgive you.
There are, after all, many things about me that you have accepted and I will try to not make it an issue that everything I have to say came out on day one when I sat you down and told you everything you might have a hard time dealing with, and how you (on the other hand) waited until after marriage to tell me everything.
And I try to not be angry with you and see this as lying because you knew that we would live a life far from them and you knew that you wanted a different life to the life they want and you didnt want to be judged for their actions, or lose me because of their actions, or have me not marry you because of their actions - and on some level I really really get that and I forgive you because we are far from them, and you are different to them and you want different things from your life and you are more healthy in many ways then they are.
So anyway - things have been cool between us. We have been coming home and on the days that we both work, we both cook and we both clean and we both make the bed and we chat about our days and that's nice. And we chat, and we cuddle and we get on and that has all been really nice too.
And in two weeks time you will go to your country of origin for your brothers wedding and I am trying to keep the faith that you wont come back a different man like you usually do when you have spent extended amounts of time with your family...
And everything is quite good actually.
Elhamdulilah.
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Friday, 16 July 2010
Same Old Same Old
Wednesday
Everything was pretty normal. I have noticed that your affection levels chop and change: so if I am upset with you, you are all over me and if I am kind and loving toward you become distant. Thats OK though - that's just the way that it is.
I am also practicing in my own mind to stop taking you personality.
You left for work
I slept until 1.30
Prepared V's English Lesson
You came home around 7.15 (ish) - complaining of headache (same as every day), I was teaching V, who has just received his "PASS" from college,so we were all really happy about that!
I looked up paranoid personality disorder on Wikipedia to show you because at this moment in time your brother is convinced that his bride-to-be is cheating on him even though he has no evidence, and he had lied to her about his work status and financial status so that he doesn't have to give her money and he has asked your little sister to be a spy for him and report on her every move and we concluded that he is very very paranoid and it has been a subject of discussion so I thought you would be interested in it
V went home
I heated up the dinner
We had a chat about paranoia and you said you can recognise a lot of yourself in the description and then I said to you that you don't have paranoid personality disorder and that everyone gets a bit paranoid every now and then but your brothers level is unhealthy. And we talked a little bit about his plans for his wedding and I recited to you some hadiths about faith and religion, and I told you some rulings about marriage because I am a volunteer Islamic marriage counsellor and I have a great deal of knowledge about this subject and so everything that your brother does can no longer be explained as piety or religion - but rather the actions of a paranoid individual who cannot see the light and lacks any kind of recognisable faith whatsoever.
We had the chicken dinner which I had cooked from last night -you offered to do the washing up and you washed my plate and your plate.
Then I washed the remaining washing up of the bowls, the pot, the pan, the cheese grater and the tray and wiped the surface, and you did say "honey let me do that" but I said "no its Ok" because if you intended to do it, you would have done it and I am washing it all now anyway
We sat and watched TV for a while and you remained physically distant from me, and quiet and you didn't look toward me at all - but because I am simply observing you I did not take anything emotional or meaningful from it, I just found it interesting so I didnt come close to you and just gave you your space.
Later we set up the bed in the living room
Went to sleep
In me,
Meanwhile, my good mood is growing and my sex drive has taken on a significant boost - whilst yours has totally disappeared. You are making excuses to not have sex, you are tired, you have a headache, I see the way you pretend to be asleep and so on, but then wake up a little later when sex is off the cards again.
Then again, this could be my interpretation. I didn't notice it before, because I never wanted to have sex before - but now that I do, I am noticing the change.
Asides from those observations, I am largely happy. You are worried about your job security - which I would take seriously, except that you are always worried about your job security even from before you even accepted the job and even before you applied. So its not that I am being insensitive, its that this is permanent state of mind that you have and I can recognise that now.
Thursday
We had a talk in the morning over tea - I commented on your unhappiness, and told you that you need some friends, or some escape place to relax because that place used to be me - but now, I cant relax you any more either - you said that maybe you need to go to the gym and that can be your relax place
You left at 8.15
I left at 8.30
I was very late to work because the Victoria Line got disrupted
You text me that you got a free latte and that you were happy, and I text you that I am having a nightmare day and have only just got to work.
Later, in the afternoon I called you and you were off on the phone and after we put the phone down you text me a lovely message that said "Sorry honey, its silent and I am surrounded by 5 people!" and I text that I just wanted to tell you I love you and you text back aww, you love me too and cant wait to give me a big kiss and a big cuddle when we get home.
You were home before me again, and you were stressed about work. That's ok - I am getting used to this now, you are stressed about work, or money, or your family, or something MOST of the time and it is rare for anything to bring you any kind of happiness, even for a fleeting moment.
You talked about the office, I talked about the office - I feel like we are having a sales meeting every day at the end of work - that's OK, it has been this way from Day 1 with you and I am accepting that.
I went to Sainsburys to get pasta immediately as I got of the station and I called you and said "I'm leaving work now!" and you said "Ok" and I said "I'm only joking, I'm at the station" and explained I had called to ask if you want anything, you said Coke, and then you offered to come get me and I said that would be nice, and then it turned out you couldn't come and get me because I had the car keys in my bag. I asked you to boil water for pasta and then I remembered I was going to make spicy soup and rang you back and said don't bother boiling water because I just remembered I am going to make spicy soup
I came home with the pasta and the coke and fags
You bought me a chocolate from work and I cooked Thai Spicy Soup for us, you helped by squeezing the lemons for me as we talked in the kitchen and we decided that probably we would need pasta as well because soup never fills you up.
We ate soup and watched Friends, and Dragon's Den and you were doing something on your iPhone and we talked about how cool the iPhone was
The soup was too lemony for you - I told you to add fish sauce to combat the flavour and you said "maybe later" as you finished the bowl of soup and washed your bowl in the sink
Then we were talking and I was asking you a question about how much the new iPhone would be because a while ago you said the OLD phone would sell at £300 and you wanted to buy a new one, and I said so the new one must be very expensive if you buy an old one second hand for £300, that's expensive isnt it? and you nodded and said "no" at the same time and I stopped you and said: "you do know that you are nodding and saying no at the same time right?" and you said sorry my brain isn't working, and I said well what is it expensive or isn't it? And you said no, then yes, then no, then you forgot the question and I had to ask it again - is the new iPhone expensive? and you said yes, but second hand it shouldn't be more than £300 and then I said, but isn't that how much the old one is second hand? and you said yes. And I said, you want a new one? And you said yes? And I said - so it will be more expensive right? And then you said yes, probably but not second hand, second hand it would be around £300 and then I realised that this is not going to work and I dropped the conversation because we already started going around in circles.
Then I asked if you want pasta because I know the soup didn't fill you up and you said yes please, and I said there it is and pointed to the uncooked pasta and I said I already cooked and cleaned spicy soup - maybe you can make the pasta and so you made the pasta but it was uncooked and hard and we couldn't eat it, but I didn't mind so much because I had 3-4 bowls of spicy soup and I was quite full.
We talked about our business project and I thanked you for holding everything together and I said I appreciate the way you are holding our whole relationship together with the way that you are working and being nice and everything and you said, that actually I was holding everything together and then you got tears in your eyes and I said I will spend the time I have off from my part time job to make our business work and you said go for it and I said I will spend tomorrow doing exactly that.
After the you'd made the half cooked pasta and we couldn't eat it, you put it all in the bin and left all the washing in the sink and I didn't wash it because I have already cooked and washed everything once and I don't feel like doing it again. [But when I awoke this Friday morning - you'd washed everything and put it all away. ]
I had a bath and ate the chocolate and moisturised, you did Wudu and prayed and got into the bed we made up together, and fell asleep very quickly. You complained of being cold and I said maybe you should wash because when I am cold, if I have a bath I warm up and you said you had a bath yesterday and we left it at that - we cuddled so we could warm up and then I put on Gladiator and you fell asleep very quickly, and then I was falling asleep so I turned everything off, had a drink and came back to bed.
You kissed me again before you left in the morning, and like every morning there was a cold cup of tea waiting for me in the kitchen - the cup of tea you make for me along with yours every day.
Internally
I have stopped taking your misery personally and have accepted now that you are just a miserable person and I can't help you at all. I can see you going through the motions of life although you are not really there. I am trying to detach myself from you - in spite of all of the hard work I have done to actually be attached to you in the first place - but I have accepted now that I cant rescue you from your life at all, you are addicted to the misery and you are an embodiment of everything that you hate about the people you worked so hard to escape from.
The less I take responsibility for your behaviour the happier and stronger I feel and actually - and I have noticed in myself that I am feeling much much stronger, happier, hornier and more productive.
Everything was pretty normal. I have noticed that your affection levels chop and change: so if I am upset with you, you are all over me and if I am kind and loving toward you become distant. Thats OK though - that's just the way that it is.
I am also practicing in my own mind to stop taking you personality.
You left for work
I slept until 1.30
Prepared V's English Lesson
You came home around 7.15 (ish) - complaining of headache (same as every day), I was teaching V, who has just received his "PASS" from college,so we were all really happy about that!
I looked up paranoid personality disorder on Wikipedia to show you because at this moment in time your brother is convinced that his bride-to-be is cheating on him even though he has no evidence, and he had lied to her about his work status and financial status so that he doesn't have to give her money and he has asked your little sister to be a spy for him and report on her every move and we concluded that he is very very paranoid and it has been a subject of discussion so I thought you would be interested in it
V went home
I heated up the dinner
We had a chat about paranoia and you said you can recognise a lot of yourself in the description and then I said to you that you don't have paranoid personality disorder and that everyone gets a bit paranoid every now and then but your brothers level is unhealthy. And we talked a little bit about his plans for his wedding and I recited to you some hadiths about faith and religion, and I told you some rulings about marriage because I am a volunteer Islamic marriage counsellor and I have a great deal of knowledge about this subject and so everything that your brother does can no longer be explained as piety or religion - but rather the actions of a paranoid individual who cannot see the light and lacks any kind of recognisable faith whatsoever.
We had the chicken dinner which I had cooked from last night -you offered to do the washing up and you washed my plate and your plate.
Then I washed the remaining washing up of the bowls, the pot, the pan, the cheese grater and the tray and wiped the surface, and you did say "honey let me do that" but I said "no its Ok" because if you intended to do it, you would have done it and I am washing it all now anyway
We sat and watched TV for a while and you remained physically distant from me, and quiet and you didn't look toward me at all - but because I am simply observing you I did not take anything emotional or meaningful from it, I just found it interesting so I didnt come close to you and just gave you your space.
Later we set up the bed in the living room
Went to sleep
In me,
Meanwhile, my good mood is growing and my sex drive has taken on a significant boost - whilst yours has totally disappeared. You are making excuses to not have sex, you are tired, you have a headache, I see the way you pretend to be asleep and so on, but then wake up a little later when sex is off the cards again.
Then again, this could be my interpretation. I didn't notice it before, because I never wanted to have sex before - but now that I do, I am noticing the change.
Asides from those observations, I am largely happy. You are worried about your job security - which I would take seriously, except that you are always worried about your job security even from before you even accepted the job and even before you applied. So its not that I am being insensitive, its that this is permanent state of mind that you have and I can recognise that now.
Thursday
We had a talk in the morning over tea - I commented on your unhappiness, and told you that you need some friends, or some escape place to relax because that place used to be me - but now, I cant relax you any more either - you said that maybe you need to go to the gym and that can be your relax place
You left at 8.15
I left at 8.30
I was very late to work because the Victoria Line got disrupted
You text me that you got a free latte and that you were happy, and I text you that I am having a nightmare day and have only just got to work.
Later, in the afternoon I called you and you were off on the phone and after we put the phone down you text me a lovely message that said "Sorry honey, its silent and I am surrounded by 5 people!" and I text that I just wanted to tell you I love you and you text back aww, you love me too and cant wait to give me a big kiss and a big cuddle when we get home.
You were home before me again, and you were stressed about work. That's ok - I am getting used to this now, you are stressed about work, or money, or your family, or something MOST of the time and it is rare for anything to bring you any kind of happiness, even for a fleeting moment.
You talked about the office, I talked about the office - I feel like we are having a sales meeting every day at the end of work - that's OK, it has been this way from Day 1 with you and I am accepting that.
I went to Sainsburys to get pasta immediately as I got of the station and I called you and said "I'm leaving work now!" and you said "Ok" and I said "I'm only joking, I'm at the station" and explained I had called to ask if you want anything, you said Coke, and then you offered to come get me and I said that would be nice, and then it turned out you couldn't come and get me because I had the car keys in my bag. I asked you to boil water for pasta and then I remembered I was going to make spicy soup and rang you back and said don't bother boiling water because I just remembered I am going to make spicy soup
I came home with the pasta and the coke and fags
You bought me a chocolate from work and I cooked Thai Spicy Soup for us, you helped by squeezing the lemons for me as we talked in the kitchen and we decided that probably we would need pasta as well because soup never fills you up.
We ate soup and watched Friends, and Dragon's Den and you were doing something on your iPhone and we talked about how cool the iPhone was
The soup was too lemony for you - I told you to add fish sauce to combat the flavour and you said "maybe later" as you finished the bowl of soup and washed your bowl in the sink
Then we were talking and I was asking you a question about how much the new iPhone would be because a while ago you said the OLD phone would sell at £300 and you wanted to buy a new one, and I said so the new one must be very expensive if you buy an old one second hand for £300, that's expensive isnt it? and you nodded and said "no" at the same time and I stopped you and said: "you do know that you are nodding and saying no at the same time right?" and you said sorry my brain isn't working, and I said well what is it expensive or isn't it? And you said no, then yes, then no, then you forgot the question and I had to ask it again - is the new iPhone expensive? and you said yes, but second hand it shouldn't be more than £300 and then I said, but isn't that how much the old one is second hand? and you said yes. And I said, you want a new one? And you said yes? And I said - so it will be more expensive right? And then you said yes, probably but not second hand, second hand it would be around £300 and then I realised that this is not going to work and I dropped the conversation because we already started going around in circles.
Then I asked if you want pasta because I know the soup didn't fill you up and you said yes please, and I said there it is and pointed to the uncooked pasta and I said I already cooked and cleaned spicy soup - maybe you can make the pasta and so you made the pasta but it was uncooked and hard and we couldn't eat it, but I didn't mind so much because I had 3-4 bowls of spicy soup and I was quite full.
We talked about our business project and I thanked you for holding everything together and I said I appreciate the way you are holding our whole relationship together with the way that you are working and being nice and everything and you said, that actually I was holding everything together and then you got tears in your eyes and I said I will spend the time I have off from my part time job to make our business work and you said go for it and I said I will spend tomorrow doing exactly that.
After the you'd made the half cooked pasta and we couldn't eat it, you put it all in the bin and left all the washing in the sink and I didn't wash it because I have already cooked and washed everything once and I don't feel like doing it again. [But when I awoke this Friday morning - you'd washed everything and put it all away. ]
I had a bath and ate the chocolate and moisturised, you did Wudu and prayed and got into the bed we made up together, and fell asleep very quickly. You complained of being cold and I said maybe you should wash because when I am cold, if I have a bath I warm up and you said you had a bath yesterday and we left it at that - we cuddled so we could warm up and then I put on Gladiator and you fell asleep very quickly, and then I was falling asleep so I turned everything off, had a drink and came back to bed.
You kissed me again before you left in the morning, and like every morning there was a cold cup of tea waiting for me in the kitchen - the cup of tea you make for me along with yours every day.
Internally
I have stopped taking your misery personally and have accepted now that you are just a miserable person and I can't help you at all. I can see you going through the motions of life although you are not really there. I am trying to detach myself from you - in spite of all of the hard work I have done to actually be attached to you in the first place - but I have accepted now that I cant rescue you from your life at all, you are addicted to the misery and you are an embodiment of everything that you hate about the people you worked so hard to escape from.
The less I take responsibility for your behaviour the happier and stronger I feel and actually - and I have noticed in myself that I am feeling much much stronger, happier, hornier and more productive.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Honesty Feels Like a Shower
So yesterday we both came home from work. I was later than you because I had proposals to send out, and so when I got in at 7.20 - you were already home...like you were yesterday.
And you made me a cup of tea which was lovely and you helped me with the chicken. We didn't put the TV on at all and that was nice because we actually spoke to each other.
I told you I learned that Stefan was leaving today and that made me sad because Stefan is a really nice kid, and he has been kind and helpful to me since I started work and I am sad that he is going to go because of that reason.
You started telling me about your work - and it was like you were scared, or uncomfortable or something when you said the females names. Yes, my eyebrows crossed when you spoke about them - because it just reminded me that till this point you have been lying and knowing that you feel you cannot be honest with me hurts me. So my eyebrows crossed a little - and I felt it and I saw you react, so I smiled and reminded you that you had recently been invited to a "weekend work BBQ" as you put it, and I asked you when you would be going to that to show that I don't mind what you do - I just want you to be honest with it.
But anyway - you told me in perhaps too much detail for it to have been comfortable for you all of the people that you work with and where they sit, and what they do and what they say and what they look like. Then again, maybe you were testing me - but it was nice to hear you talking without edits in your conversation and it felt very refreshing to hear you speak without the intermittent pausing that you do when you lie. And it was nice the way that you said things that agreed with each other and not things that disagreed with each other the way that you normally do. And you looked at me as you spoke which was nice, because usually you stare at a wall or something.
So then we cooked together, and ate together, and cleaned together and we chatted in the kitchen for the whole hour and a half it too for the chicken to roast and then another half an hour for it to settle and then you put the TV on, and there was nothing on: so we made up the bed in the living room and put Gladiator on.
You fell asleep very quickly, and I fell asleep very quickly.
At some stage you must have turned it off. I woke up this morning to your tight hugs and kisses as you were leaving, I was deep in sleep.
And when I finally awoke, a cup of tea was there waiting for me in the kitchen.
Monday, 12 July 2010
Good Weekend - But Can't Stop the Mad Feeling
So it was our anniversary. I got you a gift, you said it was too expensive and you were unhappy.
You ordered me flowers, we went to the theatre and to that place we first ever went to for dinner together and that was nice.
We watched a play in the boiling hot sun.
Last night, I couldn't sleep though - everything kept spinning around and around in my head with that mental feeling that I have been getting a lot these days and I just cannot rest my mind with these thoughts...that nothing about you is the truth. That nothing about US is the truth. That this whole thing is a lie that we keep conveniently ignoring.
We spent the day in nearly absolute silence. We do talk - but I notice that mostly I talk and you repeat back to me what I say. I have noticed the way your opinon changes with mine, so that you are just always agreeing with me.
I swallowed the feeling though - the feeling that everything you say and do is false and meaningless - like you are just trying to exist through every moment in complete and utter inauthenticity, just trying to keep me there for some reason or another.
So really: according everything that actually happened: everything is cool.
So I ignored the feeling and I tried to believe you. And I can recognise that all of these things I am saying are coming from me, and that actually - you were very nice for the whole weekend.
I'm just finding it hard to believe you thats all.
After you told me that you lied about this and that and the other...AGAIN...more lies again and again, I just kind of: lost you. I don't know who you are really. And that feeling makes me feel like I am losing all sense of reality.
You ordered me flowers, we went to the theatre and to that place we first ever went to for dinner together and that was nice.
We watched a play in the boiling hot sun.
Last night, I couldn't sleep though - everything kept spinning around and around in my head with that mental feeling that I have been getting a lot these days and I just cannot rest my mind with these thoughts...that nothing about you is the truth. That nothing about US is the truth. That this whole thing is a lie that we keep conveniently ignoring.
We spent the day in nearly absolute silence. We do talk - but I notice that mostly I talk and you repeat back to me what I say. I have noticed the way your opinon changes with mine, so that you are just always agreeing with me.
I swallowed the feeling though - the feeling that everything you say and do is false and meaningless - like you are just trying to exist through every moment in complete and utter inauthenticity, just trying to keep me there for some reason or another.
So really: according everything that actually happened: everything is cool.
So I ignored the feeling and I tried to believe you. And I can recognise that all of these things I am saying are coming from me, and that actually - you were very nice for the whole weekend.
I'm just finding it hard to believe you thats all.
After you told me that you lied about this and that and the other...AGAIN...more lies again and again, I just kind of: lost you. I don't know who you are really. And that feeling makes me feel like I am losing all sense of reality.
Friday, 9 July 2010
A Good Moment - Are We in a Cycle
OK, so I know in myself that we have had these conversations and problems before, so now - even though we had a good evening and a good talk last night, I still wanted to log it to the best of my memory.
So I had been at my mum's and felt better, and when you came home I ended the silence of the last three days by asking you how your day went and smiling.
Everything was going well, until I suggested that maybe we could go to Southend for the weekend for our anniversary. You asked me "how long will it take to get there", and "where is it" and "how much will it cost" and "will we drive or get a train", "what time will we be back", "what about the World Cup" - it was there that I ended the conversation because it was becoming clear to me that you were asking questions to make going to Southend (which is as easy as getting in car, typing the address into Satnav, and pushing the gas pedal) something difficult. So I sighed a massive sigh, shook my head at you and said "I give up" and went to the kitchen to smoke.
After about 10 minutes you came into the kitchen and said, in a miserable voice "if you want to go we'll go"
And then I said: "Its not about Southend, Husband. Its about our life in general - its about not having our lives dominated by TV, its about not spending our lives and our youth in front of the TV - and I know there's a World Cup on, but after the world cup there's gonna be another cup, and another cup and another cup and meanwhile outside the sun still rises and sets - and we've spent yet another weekend in front of the TV. We can do that wen we're old and have no power in our bodies anymore - but I dont want to be in front of the TV all my life"
You said that you understood and you hung your head down - which is what you do when you feel ashamed, and then I said to you:
"You complained to me once, about how you tried to take your family to an exciting city and they whined and complained, and how you suggested you all go to the restaurant for once, to break the monotony and they complained that it was a waste of money - and you came and complained to me about how frustrating they are and how they never do anything and thats why they are miserable - thats YOUR words to me husband, you said that to me"
And then you slapped your forehead and nodded to me, and you said "you're right - it's true. And now I'm doing the same thing to you"
And I said "yes, you are doing the same thing to me. I have dragged you to: (and then I gave a list of all of the things that I have dragged you to kicking and screaming - and you resisted going and then once we got there you'd had a really good time - shooting, horse riding, the Carribean, ice skating, 3D Cinema....the list is endless because everything we have ever done - I have organised it and dragged you to it) -
- And then I told you that I am tired now. I am tired of dragging you around to have some fun. So here's what I am going to do OK? I will ask you if you want to do something fun with me, and if you do not want to do something - I'm going to do it with the girls and you can stay home and watch TV"
And you said "No! Wait, that's not what I want." You said "I don't know anywhere to go! I dont know what to suggest! I've never been anywhere in my life, I'm sheltered"
and I said "look on google, buy a book " I said things like this to you and you said "OK" and then I said: "If you want to watch the world cup that's fine - but just say to me 'I'd like to watch the world cup, can we do something else so we can get home on time...you know, change your attitude, get with the programme - I need to know that your life goal is not to sit in front of the television"
And you said: "You're right - I'm sorry, I will do that." And then you said "so what are we going to do on Sunday"
And then I said: "surprise me". And you looked panicked on your face and I said "no husband. YOU'RE organising something, and if you don't: I'm going to Southend with the girls".
Then everything was cool and I had a bath and we went to bed and it was late now.
In bed, you said "you know I love you don't you" and I said "no, you love football and TV" and you squeezed me really hard and you said (in a baby voice) "no, I love yooooou" and then you squeezed me and squeezed me and I pretended to resist and then you squeezed me again, and you said "you're right honey, its true what you say, I will get my shit together" and I said "Thankyou".
Then you said the past few days you nearly had a nervous breakdown (because we were fighting so bad) and I told you that actually, on Wednesday I cried so hard I threw up twice and called a counsellor because the tears were stopping me from even breathing. And you said "Oh".
And then I explained to you what lying does to me and you said you don't know why you lie. And I said that this suggests you have a mental health problem and that you should see a counsellor. And then you said, no, I do know when I lie - I just don't think of the consequences of my words, and I said "you dont need to think of consequences to your words to tell the truth, you don't need to do any thinking whatsoever to tell the truth" and then you said "you're right -maybe its because its what I was taught growing up" and I said "well that means you are not an adult now" and then you said "I think I do it to avoid conflict" and I said "well that makes you a coward" and then we established that there is no good reason for lying and I explained to you that trust is love and love is trust and then I told you that the next time I feel that there is no trust between us and we are operating only because of deception on one part, we are going to separate homes and go to a counsellor and that is the way it is because I am taking lying in the relationship very seriously and I need you to know that (I said).
And then you started crying and you said "I dont want to feel like if I say one wrong thing we're going to counsellor" and you cried next to me and I said "no, not one wrong thing - LIES. I don't want lies in this relationship because if you think pretending to be something you're not is the only reason we are together then we are not going to be together, and I we talked at length and revisited our past arguments and we said that the theme in all of our fights are: HYPOCRISY AND DISHONESTY
And I said if we can eliminate hypocrisy and dishonesty from our relationship, then maybe we can have a future - but if those things remain, there is no relationship here and I want you to really really understand that.
And you said you agreed and that you understood and then we had sex like we did at the beginning of our relationship, where you held me and kissed me in a way you have not done for at least 6 months now - and it was nice to feel wanted like that.
And then we showered, and fell asleep.
Now this morning, I am writing this down and going to work, so next time I can see exactly where the problem is and exactly what is going on in this house.
Your wife,
Sanity Speaks.
So I had been at my mum's and felt better, and when you came home I ended the silence of the last three days by asking you how your day went and smiling.
Everything was going well, until I suggested that maybe we could go to Southend for the weekend for our anniversary. You asked me "how long will it take to get there", and "where is it" and "how much will it cost" and "will we drive or get a train", "what time will we be back", "what about the World Cup" - it was there that I ended the conversation because it was becoming clear to me that you were asking questions to make going to Southend (which is as easy as getting in car, typing the address into Satnav, and pushing the gas pedal) something difficult. So I sighed a massive sigh, shook my head at you and said "I give up" and went to the kitchen to smoke.
After about 10 minutes you came into the kitchen and said, in a miserable voice "if you want to go we'll go"
And then I said: "Its not about Southend, Husband. Its about our life in general - its about not having our lives dominated by TV, its about not spending our lives and our youth in front of the TV - and I know there's a World Cup on, but after the world cup there's gonna be another cup, and another cup and another cup and meanwhile outside the sun still rises and sets - and we've spent yet another weekend in front of the TV. We can do that wen we're old and have no power in our bodies anymore - but I dont want to be in front of the TV all my life"
You said that you understood and you hung your head down - which is what you do when you feel ashamed, and then I said to you:
"You complained to me once, about how you tried to take your family to an exciting city and they whined and complained, and how you suggested you all go to the restaurant for once, to break the monotony and they complained that it was a waste of money - and you came and complained to me about how frustrating they are and how they never do anything and thats why they are miserable - thats YOUR words to me husband, you said that to me"
And then you slapped your forehead and nodded to me, and you said "you're right - it's true. And now I'm doing the same thing to you"
And I said "yes, you are doing the same thing to me. I have dragged you to: (and then I gave a list of all of the things that I have dragged you to kicking and screaming - and you resisted going and then once we got there you'd had a really good time - shooting, horse riding, the Carribean, ice skating, 3D Cinema....the list is endless because everything we have ever done - I have organised it and dragged you to it) -
- And then I told you that I am tired now. I am tired of dragging you around to have some fun. So here's what I am going to do OK? I will ask you if you want to do something fun with me, and if you do not want to do something - I'm going to do it with the girls and you can stay home and watch TV"
And you said "No! Wait, that's not what I want." You said "I don't know anywhere to go! I dont know what to suggest! I've never been anywhere in my life, I'm sheltered"
and I said "look on google, buy a book " I said things like this to you and you said "OK" and then I said: "If you want to watch the world cup that's fine - but just say to me 'I'd like to watch the world cup, can we do something else so we can get home on time...you know, change your attitude, get with the programme - I need to know that your life goal is not to sit in front of the television"
And you said: "You're right - I'm sorry, I will do that." And then you said "so what are we going to do on Sunday"
And then I said: "surprise me". And you looked panicked on your face and I said "no husband. YOU'RE organising something, and if you don't: I'm going to Southend with the girls".
Then everything was cool and I had a bath and we went to bed and it was late now.
In bed, you said "you know I love you don't you" and I said "no, you love football and TV" and you squeezed me really hard and you said (in a baby voice) "no, I love yooooou" and then you squeezed me and squeezed me and I pretended to resist and then you squeezed me again, and you said "you're right honey, its true what you say, I will get my shit together" and I said "Thankyou".
Then you said the past few days you nearly had a nervous breakdown (because we were fighting so bad) and I told you that actually, on Wednesday I cried so hard I threw up twice and called a counsellor because the tears were stopping me from even breathing. And you said "Oh".
And then I explained to you what lying does to me and you said you don't know why you lie. And I said that this suggests you have a mental health problem and that you should see a counsellor. And then you said, no, I do know when I lie - I just don't think of the consequences of my words, and I said "you dont need to think of consequences to your words to tell the truth, you don't need to do any thinking whatsoever to tell the truth" and then you said "you're right -maybe its because its what I was taught growing up" and I said "well that means you are not an adult now" and then you said "I think I do it to avoid conflict" and I said "well that makes you a coward" and then we established that there is no good reason for lying and I explained to you that trust is love and love is trust and then I told you that the next time I feel that there is no trust between us and we are operating only because of deception on one part, we are going to separate homes and go to a counsellor and that is the way it is because I am taking lying in the relationship very seriously and I need you to know that (I said).
And then you started crying and you said "I dont want to feel like if I say one wrong thing we're going to counsellor" and you cried next to me and I said "no, not one wrong thing - LIES. I don't want lies in this relationship because if you think pretending to be something you're not is the only reason we are together then we are not going to be together, and I we talked at length and revisited our past arguments and we said that the theme in all of our fights are: HYPOCRISY AND DISHONESTY
And I said if we can eliminate hypocrisy and dishonesty from our relationship, then maybe we can have a future - but if those things remain, there is no relationship here and I want you to really really understand that.
And you said you agreed and that you understood and then we had sex like we did at the beginning of our relationship, where you held me and kissed me in a way you have not done for at least 6 months now - and it was nice to feel wanted like that.
And then we showered, and fell asleep.
Now this morning, I am writing this down and going to work, so next time I can see exactly where the problem is and exactly what is going on in this house.
Your wife,
Sanity Speaks.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Lies about the family
Dearest Darling,I could not help but recall the zest with which you pursued me, and the way you knocked on my door when I told you I never wanted to see you again and cried for hours and hours in my kitchen telling me that you just could not live without me...the way that you sent me messages every day, even a big bunch of my favourite flowers that time...when I told you I was leaving the country to marry someone else.
Because you had told me that your family would never accept me the way I was and that I would have to change. They were just SUCH a righteous family, SUCH a good and decent family that the sight of my hair would freak them out, you said, that I was not wearing that great honour on my head.
"That great honour" was exactly the words that you said.
I remember even at the time wondering about how strange it was that if you wanted that, and needed that - why you even bothered with me in the first place, but I thought perhaps it was that your love for me was very strong at that time, and perhaps you believed that love can make one such as myself give up everything they know and swap it for that cloth that you held so dear to you.
Imagine the shock I felt when I finally met them on our wedding day, in their tight tops and skirts - hair blowing in the breeze (your sisters I mean), not looking quite as pious as you had described (what with her fatherless child standing next to her), and the other one's cleavage on show.....I remember your eldest brother kissed me on both cheeks in the way my own family does - even though you told me that men and women cannot touch. And I noticed dear husband, that you also kissed all of the girls on both cheeks that day - and every day since.
And you waited until our wedding day to introduce us to each other and that struck me as quite interesting, the way you insisted on my covering when your your two sisters never have done...
Everything you led me to believe collapsed in that moment, but by then it was too late. I heard you saying "I do" and then I said it too - and that was the end of that.
Yours wife with love,
Sanity Speaks
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Shit Versus Sugar
Dearest Darling,
It is coming up to our first year anniversary, and in spite of everything that we have been through for the past three years, I have finally realised that I don't really know you.
Like a fool, I have been honest and open and truthful, whereas you have clearly mistaken me for some halfwit fool who does not have the ability to remember basic facts and information given during courtship.
Yes, I know, I know - shocking that I can remember with pin point accuracy what you said at dinner, 3 years ago as you were passing me the salt in Cafe Rouge just after the waitress came with the mustard when you can't remember what drawer to put socks in - but alas, that is the way it is and herein lies our predicament.
Your little habit of making up information to replace what you cannot remember is making me feel a little insane. Your denial of my memory and your outright and rather emotional rejection of facts and times and dates and words have confused me somewhat and I have been forced to on more than one occasion actually - to question myself.
Yes, that's right. I questioned myself.
When in all of my long years as a successful human being, in all my years of being able to tell the difference between the shit and the sugar - suddenly I doubted. To put it metaphorically, if one cannot trust one's own instincts, then one is at risk of eating shit - just because the person standing in front of them is saying it is sugar.
Well dearest prince, it only takes one drop of shit on ones tounge to recoil in disgust. Once shitted on, twice shy as they say.
So from this day onwards, I am logging all words, actions, and thought processes.
What's that? You think that's crazy?
Of course it's crazy. But not quite as crazy as inventing information on the spot. Not as crazy as concealing a barrage of shit in a pot of sugar. Not as crazy as telling myself, I'm crazy. Before we married, my mind was more reliable than Carol Vorderman's. These days, my thoughts feel about as plausible as a women's singing competition in a Pakistani mosque!
Today, I am taking control. Your lies end here.
You have one year to establish your case for your allegation of me having an unreliable mind.
During that time, I will establish my case that you are full of more shit than a manure farm during gardening season.
Yours sincerely,
Sanity Speaks
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)