OK, so I know in myself that we have had these conversations and problems before, so now - even though we had a good evening and a good talk last night, I still wanted to log it to the best of my memory.
So I had been at my mum's and felt better, and when you came home I ended the silence of the last three days by asking you how your day went and smiling.
Everything was going well, until I suggested that maybe we could go to Southend for the weekend for our anniversary. You asked me "how long will it take to get there", and "where is it" and "how much will it cost" and "will we drive or get a train", "what time will we be back", "what about the World Cup" - it was there that I ended the conversation because it was becoming clear to me that you were asking questions to make going to Southend (which is as easy as getting in car, typing the address into Satnav, and pushing the gas pedal) something difficult. So I sighed a massive sigh, shook my head at you and said "I give up" and went to the kitchen to smoke.
After about 10 minutes you came into the kitchen and said, in a miserable voice "if you want to go we'll go"
And then I said: "Its not about Southend, Husband. Its about our life in general - its about not having our lives dominated by TV, its about not spending our lives and our youth in front of the TV - and I know there's a World Cup on, but after the world cup there's gonna be another cup, and another cup and another cup and meanwhile outside the sun still rises and sets - and we've spent yet another weekend in front of the TV. We can do that wen we're old and have no power in our bodies anymore - but I dont want to be in front of the TV all my life"
You said that you understood and you hung your head down - which is what you do when you feel ashamed, and then I said to you:
"You complained to me once, about how you tried to take your family to an exciting city and they whined and complained, and how you suggested you all go to the restaurant for once, to break the monotony and they complained that it was a waste of money - and you came and complained to me about how frustrating they are and how they never do anything and thats why they are miserable - thats YOUR words to me husband, you said that to me"
And then you slapped your forehead and nodded to me, and you said "you're right - it's true. And now I'm doing the same thing to you"
And I said "yes, you are doing the same thing to me. I have dragged you to: (and then I gave a list of all of the things that I have dragged you to kicking and screaming - and you resisted going and then once we got there you'd had a really good time - shooting, horse riding, the Carribean, ice skating, 3D Cinema....the list is endless because everything we have ever done - I have organised it and dragged you to it) -
- And then I told you that I am tired now. I am tired of dragging you around to have some fun. So here's what I am going to do OK? I will ask you if you want to do something fun with me, and if you do not want to do something - I'm going to do it with the girls and you can stay home and watch TV"
And you said "No! Wait, that's not what I want." You said "I don't know anywhere to go! I dont know what to suggest! I've never been anywhere in my life, I'm sheltered"
and I said "look on google, buy a book " I said things like this to you and you said "OK" and then I said: "If you want to watch the world cup that's fine - but just say to me 'I'd like to watch the world cup, can we do something else so we can get home on time...you know, change your attitude, get with the programme - I need to know that your life goal is not to sit in front of the television"
And you said: "You're right - I'm sorry, I will do that." And then you said "so what are we going to do on Sunday"
And then I said: "surprise me". And you looked panicked on your face and I said "no husband. YOU'RE organising something, and if you don't: I'm going to Southend with the girls".
Then everything was cool and I had a bath and we went to bed and it was late now.
In bed, you said "you know I love you don't you" and I said "no, you love football and TV" and you squeezed me really hard and you said (in a baby voice) "no, I love yooooou" and then you squeezed me and squeezed me and I pretended to resist and then you squeezed me again, and you said "you're right honey, its true what you say, I will get my shit together" and I said "Thankyou".
Then you said the past few days you nearly had a nervous breakdown (because we were fighting so bad) and I told you that actually, on Wednesday I cried so hard I threw up twice and called a counsellor because the tears were stopping me from even breathing. And you said "Oh".
And then I explained to you what lying does to me and you said you don't know why you lie. And I said that this suggests you have a mental health problem and that you should see a counsellor. And then you said, no, I do know when I lie - I just don't think of the consequences of my words, and I said "you dont need to think of consequences to your words to tell the truth, you don't need to do any thinking whatsoever to tell the truth" and then you said "you're right -maybe its because its what I was taught growing up" and I said "well that means you are not an adult now" and then you said "I think I do it to avoid conflict" and I said "well that makes you a coward" and then we established that there is no good reason for lying and I explained to you that trust is love and love is trust and then I told you that the next time I feel that there is no trust between us and we are operating only because of deception on one part, we are going to separate homes and go to a counsellor and that is the way it is because I am taking lying in the relationship very seriously and I need you to know that (I said).
And then you started crying and you said "I dont want to feel like if I say one wrong thing we're going to counsellor" and you cried next to me and I said "no, not one wrong thing - LIES. I don't want lies in this relationship because if you think pretending to be something you're not is the only reason we are together then we are not going to be together, and I we talked at length and revisited our past arguments and we said that the theme in all of our fights are: HYPOCRISY AND DISHONESTY
And I said if we can eliminate hypocrisy and dishonesty from our relationship, then maybe we can have a future - but if those things remain, there is no relationship here and I want you to really really understand that.
And you said you agreed and that you understood and then we had sex like we did at the beginning of our relationship, where you held me and kissed me in a way you have not done for at least 6 months now - and it was nice to feel wanted like that.
And then we showered, and fell asleep.
Now this morning, I am writing this down and going to work, so next time I can see exactly where the problem is and exactly what is going on in this house.
Your wife,
Sanity Speaks.
No comments:
Post a Comment